Happiness

So I am following Kyli Larson's lead and making a lovely list of things that make me happy/smile. :) This seriously always makes me happier and I believe you should try it. It's refreshing!

This is in no order and I'm basically just writing whatever comes to mind. Here it goes.

Singing. Playing with hair. Smiling. Making people laugh. Making someone's day. Finding the perfect scripture to make me feel better. Walking around the temple all by myself. Playing my cello. Playing the piano (even though I'm terrible). Wearing a pretty dress. Ice cream. Being sore. My incredibly, abnormally, awesomely soft, silky hair. The fact that I'm so humble.. bahahahaha. Writing something that I'm proud of. Reading a great book. Laughing. Puzzles. Romantic comedies. Audrey Hepburn. Feeling pretty. Praying. Mail. Cuddling. No make up days. Camping. Playing games. Sucking at sports. Flirting. Music so beautiful it makes me cry. Choir people. Drama people. Kissing. Swimming. Chlorine. Thunderstorms. Kyli Larson. My whole big crazy family. Boys who smell really good. Curly hair. Flossing. Painting my nails. Wearing my glasses. Getting A's. Breakfast. Sonic ice. Great conversation. Looking at the stars. A hot cup of tea when I'm feeling horrible. Fireplaces. Paisley ties. Long skirts. High heels. Making little kids giggle. Baby fingers and toes. Making people feel better about themselves. Daisies. Getting my teeth cleaned. Having super smooth legs. Singing with the spirit and making people cry... haha. Listening to my favorite song over and over again. Hiking. Biking. Cooking and baking. Giggle fits. Ben and Jerry's with While You Were Sleeping. Feeling smart. Mac and cheese. Purple. Sand in my toes. The ocean. Going tubing. Waffles. Going outside in the summertime and feeling my skin tighten because it's so HOT and DRY. Cookie dough ice cream. Cookie dough in general. Things that make my heart race. A blanket right out of the dryer. Learning about people. Trucks. Hot cars. Hot boys in hot cars. Velcro. My cat, Charlie. My lovely friends. Hand and Foot. Smelling all the shampoos at Walmart. Travel size things. Bargain shopping. Sunflowers. Light rooms. The sun on my skin. Do absolutely nothing all day with your best friend days. Flip flops. Wearing no shoes at all. Green grass. Having a crush.

and you know.. lots of other things. Perhaps I'll add more later on. :) La dee da!

On a happier note!

Alrighty, so here's the deal. I have recently become slightly anti-social. I don't hang out every night anymore by any means, and when I do hang out I usually come home early because I'm bored or I just really don't want to be with friends anymore. It's kind of weird. This has never happened to me before. It's okay though. I've actually been pretty happy just chillin at home with my mom and sister. Especially my mom. Seriously, she's the coolest person ever. She's definitely weird and really goofy sometimes but I love her. We laugh all the time. That's my favorite. :)

Bedtime Shmedtime!

Alrighty, so here's the deal. I hate going to bed. I always have... I probably always will. Even when I'm absolutely exhausted... I just don't want to go to bed. It's really quite terrible. It makes me into a total night owl... leaving me semi-useless during the day which is when normal people get things done. So I stay up late doing pointless things... and then don't want to do things that matter during the day because I'm ridiculously lazy and tired. Thus the vicious cycle continues.

So here I am, it's almost 1 AM and I have very little inclination to retire for the night (what's left of it anyway) and I decided the best waste of my time would be to post a blog. Let's see if I can whip out a revelation or two from my happenings as of late.

Okay, let's see. I engage in an astonishing amount of time dedicated to absolutely nothing. Like.... watching tv while having my laptop open to facebook and simultaneously playing spider solitaire on intermediate. Yes, that's right, INTERMEDIATE. That means there are black AND red cards. I know, sounds busy... but actually for a while there I started to get sore because I was sitting around NOT using my muscles so much. Yeah. I know.

HOWEVER. I really am getting better. For serious. haha. I'm exercising almost everyday. I have 5 appointments set up for this week with Primerica. I'm submitting an application for another very promising job tomorrow that I was referred to. I got to see Kyli Larson this weekend. :) That always helps. Seriously, having a best friend is pretty big in my happiness equation. And I am sort of coming to terms with the fact that I probably will not have a boy for the duration of my stay in Mesa. And it's Kelene's birthday tomorrow! :) Yaay for little sisters turning 16 and wanting homemade pizza.

But yeah, I guess that's about all I have for tonight. Or this morning, whatever. I'm actually really tired now so I suppose I'll go to bed. I should go to the temple. I'm sure that would help... too bad it's closed Mondays.. okay. Tuesday. Goal: go to the temple on Tuesday. Also go to bed by 1 AM. That's reasonable. Okay. Bye.

Well, this is awkward.

So, I'm beginning to think that my blogging skills are even worse than my journal keeping skills. However, I am slightly determined to start actually writing in my blog. That might be fun, yes? I really don't have a ton more to do. I mean, I don't have a REAL job... I have a commission job.. and everything is on me to set up appointments to sell stuff to people. It really is a great company and it does great things for people... I just don't know if I'm cut out as a saleswoman. You know? I WAS looking for a better job... but I'm so incredibly lazy and unmotivated right now. I am trying to get going again though. Not being in school doesn't help any. I feel so out of place and kind of an outsider.. like people are looking down on me because I'm not in school this semester. Maybe people should lay off... it really is my life, and I know I'm not going a very good job of utilizing all my talents and opportunities but it's my life. And I have the right to screw it up and make it awesome just as much as the next person.

This is turning a little bitter. I'm not a bitter person, I'm really not. Okay maybe I am sometimes. Like when I see these kind of weird couples getting together and I just think, why can't I find someone who matches me, but they can? Or when I'm interested in a guy and he ends up getting with some girl who's not as smart, pretty, or funny as me... I just honest to goodness don't get it. Guys that I'm NOT interested at all are interested in me.. but the one's that I'm interested in so rarely feel the same way. Sometimes I feel like settling... but I just can't. I feel like a lot of people do that. They just don't know anyone better... so they go for it, but I don't want to do that!

For heavens sake, I'm only 18 years old. Why am I in such a rush, huh? Probably because I've never actually been in love or had anyone in love with me. Isn't that what everyone wants? I've never even had a real relationship. Is that weird? That I'm 18 and never had anyone last more than a month? Or is it weird that I'll be interested in someone but as soon as they reciprocate the feeling I freak out and can't stand to be around them anymore? I know there's someone for me... I've just never met anyone who came close, or maybe I have but I just change so much all the time that by the time I meet someone who would have been perfect a year ago, he's not anymore because I'm not the same. And I change my ideas and philosophies on relationships and dating all the time but that doesn't make any sense because I really don't have a ton of experience in those areas. My best friend thinks I am this crazy attracter of men person. But it's not really true I don't think. I was watching TV with a bunch of friends and one of the characters was a total ditz that all the guys "loved" but she was just a big flirt. One of my guy friends told me I was just like her. Then later one of the character's girl friends told her that none of the boys actually liked her at all, they didn't care about her, she was just a tease. Is that really me? I'm kind of afraid it is. I always have guys interested... but never any that follow through. I think that's why I can't really settle for a guy. I want him to work for it. I want him to like me enough and care enough to chase me a little. I don't want to be easy for heavens sake. And I deserve someone who really WANTS me.

Okay. Well that was a fun little rant and just a little peek into the jumbled, crazy mess that is my brain.

Don't you wish people spoke the way the thought in their head. I always sound so much better in my head, or when I'm writing. But if I try to say anything out loud... I just draw a blank. I can have an entire speech recited perfectly in my head.. and I say it out loud and I get maybe maybe a mutter about the vague idea of the perfect words in my head. I like writing though. I can express things that I could never say out loud. Don't get me wrong, I have no problems talking with people. I am a very outgoing shy person. I love people and getting to know them and about them and why they are the way they are. It's just so much harder for me to talk about myself without someone carefully guiding me in what to talk about. I hate when people say, "So tell me about yourself." I like reading, my favorite color is purple, I have 15 people in my family now, I moved out of my parents house then moved back in, I can't decide if I'm a cynic or a hopeless romantic, I actually change a lot when I'm around different people but I wish I didn't, I love space and contemplating it's vastness, Jesus Christ means more to me than anyone or anything anywhere, I own approximately 30 pairs of shoes, I keep telling myself I quit BYU Idaho because I couldn't take the cold but I'm secretly afraid it might be because I am an incurable wuss and can't commit to anything, sometimes I feel fat and ugly (I'm a girl, it happens), I love singing and music but I'm not disciplined enough to pursue it, I'm scared out of my mind to try things and fail so I miss out on a lot of stuff. And I could go on... but 1. I could probably never say those things out loud to some random person that asked me and 2. The person asking probably didn't want to know any of that stuff, all they really wanted to know was what's my major and where do I work, you know, the basics, not stuff that actually matters and is ME. But since I don't have an acceptable answer to the questions they really wanted the answers to... I say something uninteresting and life goes on.

I think what I really need is someone who will completely sweep me off my feet and turn my world upside down and make me think in completely different ways and make me do things I'm not used to doing and just wake me up to something better than what I have now. I need a change. A change from my ordinary.

I suppose I can start that change on my own. Perhaps I can't have the type of man I want right now because I'm not the type of woman he wants yet. Yet. Meaning I can be. Meaning I have so much room to grow and improve and excel and achieve. And love. I should love more in general. Everyone deserves to be genuinely loved and cared about. Plus... karma baby.

Anyway, that was rather theraputic. To be honest I was having a pretty awful night. But there is hope, it's true. And I'm really not all that dramatic, honestly! Except in my own head and heart. But that's life. And I've got to live it. And it might as well be with a smile on my face and a little hope for better things. :)

25 Things....

Welp... This should be interesting.. I got this little pass along thingy on facebook to come up with 25 Things about me... and I thought it was pretty fun. So here goes.

1. I love studying people. I think human nature is the most interesting thing in this world. I mean, after all, we are God's supreme creation, are we not? :) I like to watch people, not in a creepy stalker way, but in a way that let's me get to know them without them even realizing it. I like knowing about people, what they think and feel and why they do the things they do. Basically I'm just a people person. :)

2. I have a curse and a gift all wrapped into one. People just tell me things. Serious things. Things that weigh them down and trouble them. Things that they can't handle by themselves. It's hard sometimes, to listen to that, but I love it anyway. It keeps me close the the Savior, because I can't help them if I'm not close to Him. I usually just point them to Him anyway. :)

3. Not very many people know me very well, at all. I don't talk about me very much. Just because I'm naturally a listener. And I don't talk unless people ask me.

4. I love asking questions and getting answers. I like when people ask me too...

5. Singing is my passion. When I'm singing, I'm happiest. Music can touch people in a way that nothing else can. It connects people. I love it.

6. As soon as I realize I really care about a person, I get all weird and insecure about myself. I kind of hate it.

7. My cat, Charlie, is my baby and I am going to miss her very much when I go to college next year.

8. I'm going to BYU-I next year and I am so freaking excited!!! :) I am so ready for college and life!

9. I love shoes. And dressing up and feeling pretty, but I also love lazing about in my sweats and hoodie. If you come to my house unexpected, you'll probably find me in the latter.

10. I think Mac n Cheese is a beautiful creation.

11. Smells are really big with me. If you smell bad, I probably can't really be around you.. haha sorry. I don't like it when anything smells too strong, though, even good things. I'm very particular about smells. I like clean soap smells. And rain.

12. Thunderstorms are my favorite. :)

13. I've recently developed a new standard for kissing. I don't really want to go into detail here.. but if you're curious, you can ask me. Reference #3.

14. Everyone says I'll get married young, really young, but I am kind of dead set against it. I need to know what it's like to be on my own for a while. I need to live life and experience things and learn more about myself before I can figure out who I want to spend eternity with.

15. I really enjoy reading. Books influence me a lot. If I read a good book.. it kind of changes my life. That may sound dramatic or something.. but it's true.

16. I'm basically a professional procrastinator.

17. I love words. And spelling. And the English language. If you do it wrong, I'll correct you.

18. There's something about a man with an accent or speaking a different language that melts my heart into a little puddle.

19. French is the bane of my existence.

20. I think I have a selective memory. I remember the weirdest things, things that I don't necessarily need to remember but that were for some reason significant to me. And then there are things that I should remember and I don't.. for example meeting my now best friend for the first time during 7th grade.. haha

21. I am completely dedicated to my faith and religion. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the best thing that ever happened to me. In the words of Caleb McKay: "If I wasn't Mormon, I'd have AIDS" BAHAHA

22. I love laughing and smiling and being happy. What's the point of life if the majority of it isn't spent doing those things? :)

23. Sometimes I pretend my life is a musical and make up songs. Opera, Broadway, Gospel, and Screamo are some of my favorite styles of different life musicals. :)

24. I laugh at things that aren't funny to other people.

25. Nothing says Annie Fletcher like everyone around her. I am a total chameleon. If I hang out with you, I will steal your laugh and mannerisms and tastes, sometimes your sense of humor. It comes in handy since I move a lot. I can always find friends.. because people like people that are like them.

Woo that was interesting. Hope you liked it... if anyone even read it. haha woo.

"The Decision"

I wrote this story a while ago in English but I'm pretty sure it's the best thing I've ever written, so I decided to post it... enjoy! :)

“Hello?” I say as I pick up the relentlessly ringing phone.
“Hello, Mr. Jones, this is Mr. Smith from the bank. I was just calling to remind you, once again, about the bills you owe.”
I slam the phone down on the cradle and sit back in my chair dejectedly.
“How did my life get this way?” I ask myself aloud. “Where did all the meaning escape to?”
I look around my apartment and feel my age permeate everything in sight. I don’t remember getting this old, getting this way. My bills are sky high and I realize I have nothing to live for anymore. My life is empty like my bank account, my cupboards, and my bed. I look down at the clock reading 11:55 and make a resolution.
“Twelve o’ clock is the deadline,” I say aloud again, then bark out a harsh laugh as I see the double meaning in my statement, “Literally.”
I retrieve my gun from its resting place and sit in the chair again weighing the Decision I hold in my hands. My head feels fuzzy. I think of all my problems, all the reasons this is best.
The phone rings again, interrupting my thoughts. I stare uneasily at it while it rings angrily at me for a few rings.
“Hello,” I finally give in.
“Hello, Fred Jones?” inquires a voice that seems to have a memory attached.
“Yes,” I respond hesitantly, afraid of more bad news.
“Fred, it’s Jane Peters… from college.”
I know Jane Peters. She was the first woman I ever really loved. It didn’t last, though. I let someone else come between us, a new woman, and broke it off. I hadn’t really thought of her since.
“Jane, this is a surprise, why do you call?” I ask, feigning nonchalance.
“Fred, I just couldn’t get you out of my head today. I was baking cookies with my grandkids this morning and you popped up all of a sudden. Then I was doing my regular chores around the house and with each new task you were right there and I thought I’d better call you to see how you are. So how are you?”
“I—I don’t know what to say, Jane, I suppose I’m fine,” I say slowly.
“Are you sure, Fred, you sound sort of strange.” I can hear concern in her voice. What can she hear in mine?
“I said I’m fine! Look, I’ve got to go. Goodbye!” I say hurriedly and hang up the phone.
What is the purpose of that? Why did she call now? She is thinking of me, though. She might call again. What does that mean? I look at the clock again.
11:57.
“Three minutes,” I whisper as a reminder.
Jane brings on more memories and now I feel my regrets. Divorcing my wife and leaving our children to her sole care are at the top of the list. They are all grown now but I haven’t seen them in decades. Decades. How life does pass by in a hurry. Mine has flown right on past me. I have nothing to show for the years I have taken up space on the earth; nothing tangible to hold in my unaccomplished hands or intangible to feel in my calloused heart.
And yet, what is the value of a life? What is the value of my life? I cannot tell. I weigh the Decision again in my hands. The cold metal against my skin burns.
11:58.
The gun slips from my hands and lands on the floor. I look at it there and pause, feeling life grow slower. My hand comes up, almost of its own accord, and touches my face. I feel the lines testifying of age. The skin sags and feels frail, just like an old man’s skin.
“You are an old man,” I remind myself loudly. “Will you be missed?” I ask, quietly this time, as if I am not quite myself anymore; as if I am not the one being questioned.
“What could I possibly miss?” I reply.
11:59.
My hand picks up the gun. I feel the burn again on my old man skin, but it soon begins to numb. Now I remember my wedding day. My wife was beautiful then, and I was happy. Then my first daughter was born and I forget my aged skin with the memory of her brand new kind.

The ghost of a smile touches my unhappy mouth, too long fixed in a frown.
But then I remember my emptiness again. My empty life cannot be hidden by full memories and I feel the burn of Decision in my hands once more.
“What could I possibly miss?” I ask again loudly, urgently. “What could I possibly miss?” The question comes again. “What would I miss?”
It hangs in the air directly in front of my face, and I can’t see anything else. I bring Decision up to my head, perhaps I can think clearly with it closer to my brain. With the cold, hard Decision against my temple the numbness fades and I feel every inch of my worn body and the beautiful memories and pressing problems line up on the battlefront in my mind.
The battle never commences, however. The Future steps, unsure, onto the middle of the fire zone and voices his one truth:
“You would miss something.”
12:00.

So.. it's been a while...

Well, I am sitting here eating a plate of vegetables. I don't know what is happening to me... oh wait, I do. Kyli and I decided that we were doing NO sugar for the whole summer. Which is pretty exciting if you think about it.. but if you don't think about it, and eat a veggie tray instead.... it's not as exciting. Oh well, vegetables are good for you. Lots of things are good for you that aren't necessarily exciting though. Like school. Filling out scholarship applications. Finding out your parents aren't perfect. Breaking important things, like hearts.

If I've learned one important thing this year, it's that you can turn any situation into something beneficial. That's what life is for. Life is to learn. and Grow. and Change. and Smile and Laugh and Love. If you can change a bad situation or experience into a good learning experience, you're pretty much set for life. "To love another person is to see the face of God."

If I've learned one important thing this year, it's that worrying is the biggest waste of energy on this green earth. (Yes, the earth is green. Just an example of some crazy people worrying that our earth is going to be brown or something.. what the heck? The earth will be fine... it's nice and green all over the place.. we're good. Stop worrying so much!) You can't worry about something that hasn't happened yet. It doesn't make sense. Just have a little faith that things will work out. And if you do find yourself in a situation that IS worrysome, just reference the above paragraph.

If I've learned one important thing this year, it's that people matter before anything else. People are here right in front of you. They are more important than school or work or clothes or music or your phone... or even facebook (you're shocked, I know). Nothing can compare to the memories people create together. Connection with another human being will last longer than anything you can learn from a textbook or buy at a store.

If I've learned one important thing this year it's that you can do anything. With a little faith and a lot of help from God, you really can do anything that you need to do. You can get through anything. You can accomplish anything. You can learn anything. It's the greatest feeling in the world, and the most powerful knowledge out there.

Welp, that's about it. This is very poorly written, and a bit unorganized and random but I just felt like it. So there. OH YEAH. That's another thing I learned...

DO WHAT YOU FEEL.

:)