Ohhhh my life..

is so awkward sometimes. Seriously. I can't even explain to you. But I will try. See, you know that I am usually the one who freaks out when someone likes me.... but it is not happening with Hairy Ben. Right? Good. The thing is.... Hairy Ben has the same problem as me... and he's freaking out a little. Because I like him. Granted his reasons for freaking out are more upright than mine... I freak out because... I'm a freak. He freaks out because he's afraid I'll like him too much... and he'll end up not liking me as much and hurt me. Which is fine. I can empathize with freaking out but still liking the person.. and he's nice and is willing to keep trying. SO. Everything's fine.

BUT THEN.... tonight we were hanging out... it was time to leave... he walked me to my car.. we hugged and kissed goodnight... and as we're pulling away he runs his hand down my arm and holds my hand for a second and starts walking away and says, "Goodnight!" So I say, "Goodnight! Love you!"...... holy hannah! What just came out of my mouth???? Kill me. I'll crawl into a hole right now and DIE. Now... anyone who's friends with me will know... I say Love you allllll the time. BUT it's a little different when you say "love you" and you're dating the person... and you just got finished cuddling and sharing stories and a kiss goodnight. I mean really. I just wasn't thinking.. and it jumped out.. and I was SO embarrassed. I can't even tell you. AAAAnnnnd I really hope he's not freaking out... because he stopped texting me. RUDE. And now I'm freaking out. RUDE. Kill me. K I'm done. I already did my words of wisdom for the day THANKFULLY... because I have NO wisdom right now. I'm a crazy person. Seriously. I could die. It's time for bed. Goodnight bloggers. DON'T love you. BAHAHA. Except I really do. You know I do. I'm sorry. But for realsies. Goodnight.

Ughhhhhhh.

So I was going to work on math...

because I am a dunce! Seriously. I took the math placement text at MCC last semester and I didn't even get into the 100 level classes... I know. I know. It's sad. BUT I really am determined to study so I can retake the test and get into the math class that is required for my major. However, as I started practicing... Hairy Ben got on facebook chat and started chatting me up! Well... I couldn't very well ignore him on his BIRTHDAY. Yes, that's right. It's his birthday. :) He is 24 today... and although I have told him about 20 times already today... I would like to say for all the blogging world to see: Happy birthday ..... Hairy Ben. I decided I can't put his real name until he's lasted at least a month... I feel like that's long enough that he might be a permanent fixture in my life... at least for a while. But anyway, he started talking to me... therefore delaying my math practice. Then my dad's classmate who's staying with us for a few days put in Sherlock Holmes... which I have never seen. And naturally that was very distracting. Although I still TRIED to do some math. But then my mother got home and she'd promised to give me a little mini massage because my back has been hating me lately. So I pretty much gave up all efforts to improve my mind for tonight. Now I am just watching Sherlock Holmes (which is very entertaining) and blogging.. because I feel like it.

I don't have anything particular to blog about, really. I'm just rather content with life at the moment. My family is moving away.. so I must find a new place to live. I'm thinking my aunt and uncle's house will be my best bet... because it's cheap and I absolutely adore my little cousins. I can go to the community college that's near their house... because it's also cheap. I have a lovely bunch of friends and of course Hairy Ben to snuggle when I want to. That always helps. :) Overall life is just pretty grand!

I am much too involved in this movie to think of anything else to say... so I'll just end with my words of wisdom for the day. I actually don't know if this can be counted as words of wisdom... it might just be something I'm learning.. or maybe learning.. right now. But maybe life isn't as dramatic as I seem to make it. I'm a rather passionate person... and I feel things a lot. But maybe it's best sometimes to just step back and let things be. I don't have to control everything... I don't have to know how everything's going to turn out. I just have to live life and love it! One of my favorite scriptures EVER is Phillipians 4:6-7... and you have to look at the footnotes too. I tend to over think things and say too much and muddle things when they don't need to be muddled at all. Things are more simple than we imagine them to be... especially if we can learn to rely on the Lord for happiness. The end. :)

I like to analyze...

myself. Which may be vain... or something. And it may over complicate things... but it's what I do. I think people should understand themselves, right? Well, I think I may have realized another reason why I freak out when an opportunity for a relationship presents itself. I'm not really sure how to write all of the stuff that's in my brain... I've been awake for about an hour just lying here thinking about a lot of it. And it all makes sense in my head.. but whenever I try to translate my brain into writing.... it's a little difficult. So bear with me.

See, basically the thing is I'm scared to death to care too much. In the past that's been my problem.. if you can call it a problem. I'd find these guys that I really liked. When I was with them I wouldn't get that freaked out feeling that I would with EVERYONE else... which was awesome. But then as the relationship progressed it would just get unhealthy... I would give too much and they would take waayy too much.. or there wasn't open communication.. or I was moving away so things moved too fast. And because of who I am... whenever things don't work out I blame myself. I always feel like I'm not good enough.. which I know is ridiculous.. and I tell myself that is definitely not the case. I am a daughter of God and my worth is immeasurable! ...but... I still can't seem to shake the feeling. I've never thought of myself as insecure... but I guess that's the only explanation if I'm scared to care about someone because in the end... I expect I won't be good enough to stick around.

So that's been my little struggle lately with Hairy Ben. He's fantastic. He has a testimony.. and as far as I can tell he lives the gospel the best way he knows how. He's nice to EVERYONE and never talks bad about anyone. He's funny and cute and awkward and I love that. He loves his family and goes home to visit. He's getting a good education and works hard. He's adventurous and actually DOES things that he wants to do.. like traveling. And from what I can gather the worst thing he's done in his whole life is cheat on a college exam... but he confessed and was able to keep his grade because of his honesty. I mean, this guy is a general authority in the making. And then there's me in all of my crazy, weird, more-life-experience-than-I-wanted glory. But he seems to like me...but I'm almost scared to let him like me. What if he gets to know me and decides he doesn't really like me after all? I haven't liked someone like this in a really long time. And it scares me to let myself care about someone.. not that Hairy Ben has given me any reason at all not to trust him... but it's still scary.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I think another reason I freak out when boys like me is I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of caring so so much and then getting crushed again. I'm afraid I won't be good enough to make them stick around for more of me.

But I suppose here's where I'll insert my words of wisdom for the day... which I definitely need to remember and use in my own life. And my words of wisdom most certainly do not come from me.. but someone much smarter... who just happens to be an apostle of the Lord. 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." Now I'm not saying I am in love with Hairy Ben. Not at all. But I might be saying there's potential there... I don't think I've ever been in love.. and maybe that's why. Maybe I've been too afraid in the past. BUT if I can incorporate the words of John into my life... and cast out my fear.. maybe... who knows? :) But no pressure! We've only been dating a week for heavens sake. Not even.. haha. So to sum it all up: Don't be afraid to care about people. Don't be afraid to trust! Because even if you are afraid to trust Man... you should never be afraid to trust God. "For God is love." And if you're hurt by Man... the Savior can heal you.. and you'll be better for the experience! The end. :)

Twitterpated...

is a word that people use to describe a person who is rather smitten with another person. Some common symptoms of twitterpation are fluttery stomachs, not being able to concentrate on anything other than the object of the twitterpating for very long at all, staying up very very late every night just to be with that person, etc. I believe I might be twitterpated with this Hairy Ben fellow. I will give you a further proof that this is the case.

First off I will tell you (so you don't think I am a floosy and don't follow through with my resolutions...) that Hairy Ben took me on a little mini date. Which was cute. I like him. SO I am totally justified in holding hands. And in participating in the following story.

Last night Hairy Ben invited me over to his house to watch Leap Year. Yeah... he picked out the movie. It was the first time I'd ever watched a chick flick when HE was the one that picked the movie. Hilarious. I'm a fan. Well we watched Leap Year which was adorable and I want to marry an Irish man because they're hot! And after the movie we were cuddling and such and just talking. He was laying on my stomach and I was playing with his luscious head of hair. But then I got tired and I tried to lay down a little but then his body was in the way... so I told him I was a little uncomfortable. haha so he moved down the couch because he's so nice! So we were laying there... he with his feet at one end of the couch and me with my feet at the other end and our heads right next to each other. We're still talking when he reaches up and starts playing with my hair and the conversation kinda dies out. Which was comfy.. not awkward. Now the way he was playing with my hair was kinda pulling my face so it had to look at his face and I thought to myself, "This boy wants to kiss me! ...but do I want to kiss him? .... well I WANT to of course.. but SHOULD I? If we kissed right now it would be all awkward and upside down like in Spiderman. But it looked super hot in the movie.. I've always wanted to try it... and I like this boy. BUT there is the whole-" .. I was cut off here by Hairy Ben asking, "Have you seen Spiderman?" (hahahaha!) "Why yes I have! Why do you ask that?" hahahaha! ...."Well, I was just thinking about whether or not I should kiss you." ... "I was just thinking the same thing." ....(insert rather long pause here where I decide whether or not to kiss this boy.. who is actually a man.. which makes it way scarier. HECK! It's 2 in the morning! Go for it!) So I moved my face ever so slightly towards his and that was enough. We KISSED! It was hot. ....but awkward because it was upside down. hahaha it felt weird.. but I LOVED loved kissing him. We stopped and he said, "That was awkward." BAHAHA! "Yeah, it was.. hahaha" Another kiss. "Your chin is on my nose and I can't really breathe." HAHAHAHAHA I laughed so hard. Another kiss. "Hey lets get more comfortable." "Yeah good idea." I know what you're thinking now... that was the most awkward, weird, HOT, hilarious, awesome first kiss ever. I know, I know. Trust me... I know. :)

Well, that's all I've got for now. I was planning on writing about a bunch more stuff that's going on in my head and stuff that I'm feeling and stressing and such. But I am wayyy too tired to do that. So I'll do it when I wake up maybe.

But before I go I'll tell you this one other story. So I share a room with my sister.. which is problematic because she goes to bed EARLY and wakes up EARLY and I go to bed LATE and wake up LATE. So I feel bad blogging in there because I wake her up... so I sometimes go into the front room... but my Nanny(grandma) is in town spending the night in the recliner (don't ask me why she's not sleeping in my bed.. she always does. WEIRD). So I didn't have anywhere else to blog....

Which brings me to my words of wisdom for the day. Don't blog in the bathroom late at night because it's slightly awkward when your Nanny timidly knocks on the door having to go to the bathroom and you open the door carrying a laptop... it's just weird. Don't do it. The end. :)

Once Kelene gets out of the shower....

I'm going to do her hair and then go to the gym. And work out! and swim! But for now... I'll blog. I don't know how much longer she'll be.. so I'll try and fit in some juicy stuff! Everything with Hairy Ben is going well. I'm definitely a fan of him. :) Last night was the second night in a row that I've been at his house til the wee hours of the morning. Which is absolute silliness. Night is for sleeping. We still have not held hands... but it's pretty inevitable at this point. :) I'd probably say more but he reads my freaking blog. Dang him! And it's awkward to write about someone when you KNOW they're going to read it.

OH hahahahaha speaking of him reading my blog! Last night when I was at his house we got on his laptop to watch Wipe out (which is freaking HILARIOUS I might add... I highly recommend it). WELL when he opened his computer... the screen was on my blog... hahahaha awwwwkward. So he clicked out of that real fast but the next tab up was my facebook profile.... hahahahaha awwwwkward. So basically he's a major STALKER. It made me laugh super duper hard.

OH and we talked about the whole awkwardness of where to put our hands and such. It was hilarious. I feel like talking about awkward things makes it less awkward and WAYYY funnier. Admitting it's awkward makes everything funnier too. Good times. :)

Anyway, Kelene's out of the shower so that's about all I have time for. I'm having fun, though. :) I'm a fan of this one. And he's made it past the one week mark without FAILING miserably like most guys. There's potential here. hahaha.

Words of wisdom for the day: Smile! It makes you happy. The end. :)

Once upon a time....

there was a girl named Annie. She was awesome. HA! But really... anyway. One thing about this girl is she had lots and lots and lots of crushes. On every boy. Well, I don't want to talk about myself in the 3rd person anymore... mostly because it's too much brain power to word it at 4 in the morning. Goodness. SO I'll just say I love boys. BUT my main squeeze at the moment is... dang it. I don't have a nick name for him yet. Kelene was telling me I need to find him one. But then I forgot. We'll call him... Hairy Ben!! Hahaha. And this might be awkward because he actually reads this blog. What boy reads blogs. Seriously. I attract weirdies. But I like it! Anyway this boy is suuuper super awkward. hahaha. But I love it! I thrive in awkward situations. As long as it's not me that's feeling awkward. But I can BE awkward. I think I'm using the word awkward too much. This post is not making any sense. I'm tired. I should sleep. But I MUST BLOG! So I'll trudge forth!

Anyway, what I was saying is Hairy Ben is awkward. And we were actually just chatting and thinking we want to start a book club! Because people should read more because it makes you smarter. And I'm getting dumber. Very sad, I know. And then we were talking about books that we like and I brought up The Lord of the Flies because that book is AWESOME. And it has so much JUICE for my psychology major brain. :) And then we were talking about how awesome personalities are. And how I love to know why people are the way they are and why they do things they do. It FASCINATES me. And then I thought of all the personalities that are out there in the world.. and all the ones that have died.. and all the ones that are yet to be born... and God made them ALL. How amazing is that?? I'm pretty sure He is the most awesome genius ever. Maybe someday I can have my own children. And I can help develop their personalities. Hopefully I influence them for good. Hopefully I can make them better than me and my parents. Hopefully I can teach them how to love people and God through my own example. Hopefully they'll be GOOD. Maybe someday I can be a little more like Him. :)

Well, I think that's all my brain's gonna squeeze out at this late hour. Or early hour. Whatever. Goodness, I bet some people are WAKING up right now. For Pete's sake. For Hairy Ben's sake. I'm gonna go to bed now.

Right after I write my Words of Wisdom for the Day segment.. because I've been slacking on my wisdom lately. I suppose I can say.. Don't sweat the small stuff! As a girl, I have a horrible habit of analyzing and over analyzing everything that happens in my life. For example: Tonight, I was at Hairy Ben's house and we were watching Lost... and he kept putting his hand down by his side. And I analyzed that. Really now? He just casually put his hand down there and my brain said to me, "Is he wanting to hold your hand? Maybe he's just actually casually resting his hand there.. but he's GOT to realize that's what he supposed to do when he wants to hold hands. But he's crazy! We haven't even gone on a date yet. I'm not a floosy! I will not hold hands until he takes me on a date. But I kinda want to.. I'll put my hand down there too.. oh wait, he moved it. Okay it was casual... I'll put my hand back up. Awkward. Oh wait.. he put his back down. Maybe he's all weirded out now. Awkward. I'll shift positions so we can BOTH put our hands down without it being awkward... nope still awkward." .... and so on and so forth. How freaking weird am I for thinking all that stuff. And even if I was justified for feeling weird and a tad stressed (hahahahaha) it's not that big of a deal. Even if Hairy Ben had tried to hold my hand, it wouldn't mean he wanted to marry me or anything. In Relief Society today they recapped a lesson they had last week on dating. The bishop talked to both the women and the men for the 5th Sunday and one of the points that was reviewed was what I'm talking about. The bishop told the girls to remind themselves, "It's just a date!" And this is where I get back to my original point... one girl raised her hand and said she and her roommate had applied that to a lot of things in their lives. "It's just a date" "It's just a phone call" "It's just a burnt dinner" "It's just a bad test grade" We don't have to make mountains out of mole holes. Just as long as we put our trust in Heavenly Father (just take a look at yourself, that should be proof enough that He KNOWS what He's doing... genius) everything will work out for our best. It may not be what we thought we wanted.. but in the end.. it'll be perfect. The end. :)

So....

I was taking a little nap today after doing yardwork... I was cuddling with the puppy. When I woke up I proceeded to do the inevitable... rub that adorable belly she has. When I started thinking.... what if humans were built more like dogs. And when I say that, I mean what if humans had boobs that went alllll the way down their stomach.

Then I laughed HARD for about 5 minutes.

Sometimes I just think funny thoughts.