I like to analyze...

myself. Which may be vain... or something. And it may over complicate things... but it's what I do. I think people should understand themselves, right? Well, I think I may have realized another reason why I freak out when an opportunity for a relationship presents itself. I'm not really sure how to write all of the stuff that's in my brain... I've been awake for about an hour just lying here thinking about a lot of it. And it all makes sense in my head.. but whenever I try to translate my brain into writing.... it's a little difficult. So bear with me.

See, basically the thing is I'm scared to death to care too much. In the past that's been my problem.. if you can call it a problem. I'd find these guys that I really liked. When I was with them I wouldn't get that freaked out feeling that I would with EVERYONE else... which was awesome. But then as the relationship progressed it would just get unhealthy... I would give too much and they would take waayy too much.. or there wasn't open communication.. or I was moving away so things moved too fast. And because of who I am... whenever things don't work out I blame myself. I always feel like I'm not good enough.. which I know is ridiculous.. and I tell myself that is definitely not the case. I am a daughter of God and my worth is immeasurable! ...but... I still can't seem to shake the feeling. I've never thought of myself as insecure... but I guess that's the only explanation if I'm scared to care about someone because in the end... I expect I won't be good enough to stick around.

So that's been my little struggle lately with Hairy Ben. He's fantastic. He has a testimony.. and as far as I can tell he lives the gospel the best way he knows how. He's nice to EVERYONE and never talks bad about anyone. He's funny and cute and awkward and I love that. He loves his family and goes home to visit. He's getting a good education and works hard. He's adventurous and actually DOES things that he wants to do.. like traveling. And from what I can gather the worst thing he's done in his whole life is cheat on a college exam... but he confessed and was able to keep his grade because of his honesty. I mean, this guy is a general authority in the making. And then there's me in all of my crazy, weird, more-life-experience-than-I-wanted glory. But he seems to like me...but I'm almost scared to let him like me. What if he gets to know me and decides he doesn't really like me after all? I haven't liked someone like this in a really long time. And it scares me to let myself care about someone.. not that Hairy Ben has given me any reason at all not to trust him... but it's still scary.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I think another reason I freak out when boys like me is I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of caring so so much and then getting crushed again. I'm afraid I won't be good enough to make them stick around for more of me.

But I suppose here's where I'll insert my words of wisdom for the day... which I definitely need to remember and use in my own life. And my words of wisdom most certainly do not come from me.. but someone much smarter... who just happens to be an apostle of the Lord. 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." Now I'm not saying I am in love with Hairy Ben. Not at all. But I might be saying there's potential there... I don't think I've ever been in love.. and maybe that's why. Maybe I've been too afraid in the past. BUT if I can incorporate the words of John into my life... and cast out my fear.. maybe... who knows? :) But no pressure! We've only been dating a week for heavens sake. Not even.. haha. So to sum it all up: Don't be afraid to care about people. Don't be afraid to trust! Because even if you are afraid to trust Man... you should never be afraid to trust God. "For God is love." And if you're hurt by Man... the Savior can heal you.. and you'll be better for the experience! The end. :)