I've got 10 minutes.

and then I simply HAVE to get ready for church and leave. And also eat something. And steal some candy for sacrament meeting from my cousins. Basically I'm booked... and Monte Cristo was here rather late... so I slept in rather late.. HA!

Anyway.. last night was fantastical.

DANG I didn't get any pictures. I know. Terrible. I'LL TAKE SOME TODAY I PROMISE! I wish I could pinky promise you... I never break pinky promises.. but I can't. Curses. I'll just do it, okay?

Okay.

So I helped my Crazy, Halloween-obsessed Uncle Mike with his haunted house last night with Chocolaty Goodness and Monte Cristo. And we basically rocked it. The terrified little kids were adorable and the big kids trying not to be scared were hilarious. I'll take pics tonight. Really.

And then after that we dressed up to go to a big Halloween party at the airlines hangar. Secretly I kind of hate these parties.. but it was pretty fun. :) Chocolaty Goodness was an Anime Villain. I'll try and steal a pic from facebook somewhere and post later. Monte Cristo was a golfer. hahaha I'll do the same with him. I didn't get ANY pictures of my THIRD costume: an Indian person. haha like, dot Indian. Duh. It was fun.

And then we came home and Chocolaty Goodness was SO awkward trying to get me and Monte Cristo to make out with him RECORDING IT ON HIS PHONE. Super awkward. So we kicked him out. And then I reapplied some red lipstick... and. I need some background knowledge.

I sort of have a list of things, ways, and places to be that have to do with kissing. And getting red lipstick all over a man is kind of on that list.... and, let's be honest, Monte Cristo was more than happy to oblige me.

SO I reapplied red lipstick. I got it all over him. (HAHAHAHA) And then we opened the door for Jarrett and he was still there of course with his camera ready. So that's the only picture I have of me dressed as an Indian. Standing next to Monte Cristo with lipstick all over BOTH our faces. Fantastic.

And then I kicked Jarrett ALL the way out of my house and...

the rest is history! ;)

Overall a pretty fantastical night!

How was YOUR not-actually-Halloween-but-we're-celebrating-it-tonight-because-we're-Mormon Halloween?

likeWOAH!

This is craziness. ANOTHER SONG?? likeWOAH. again.
Check it, yo.

More Music. :)

So I recorded another song for you guys! :)
Happy, right?

And to explain a little... I was talking to Kyli Larsonface last night and she's been a little bummed lately. And I told her to go find a piano and play and sing her little heart out because "I'm sick. but I sang wicked yesterday haha sometimes you just have to sing even if your voice cracks and you start coughing in the middle." And she said that was a good quote. And I agreed. I like being quotable. :) The end. Hope you enjoy the latest!

ANOTHER POST??

Yes. I'm uh.. kinda bored. Ish. Not really. I'm actually enjoying my night at home. I've been playing piano and doing homework and chatting on facebook with the wonderful Jacob.

AND I RECORDED A SONG FOR YOU GUYS. Because I wanted to. :)

Enjoy!

Oh yeah!

My Psychology of Death and Dying class had a PARTY last night! It was funsies. And we were all supposed to bring something. SO I brought this. :)



It's 7 layer dip. Delish. I was so proud of myself for making something so cute!

And for our costumes we were supposed to come up with something that had to do with death or dying....



....because Snow White died... sorta.... .... but then she came back to life... from Prince Charming's kiss?

Okay, so it was a bit of a stretch. BUT I LIKED IT!

:)

Sooooo I don't know if I should be Uni-Corn or Snow White for Halloween... what do you think?

And what are YOU being for Halloween?

Mailbag.

Dear Body,
Sometimes you suck. Hardcore. I mean really?? It hardly seems fair to curse me with womanly troubles AND antibiotic troubles on the SAME DAY. Not nice. Not. Nice. Talk about painful and uncomfortable and just gross all around.
Hate, Me

Dear Bed,
Thank you for being so absolutely wonderful. I love you. You are so comfortable and warm and happy. I probably would have cried today if I couldn't crawl up in you.
Love, Me

Dear Bicycle,
I will get right back on you as soon as I am not sick anymore. I miss you dearly, but my body just can't take it right now.
Longingly, Me

Dear Halloween,
You're fun. I like you.
Woohooooo, Me

Dear Southwest Airlines,
Dude, you seriously rock. Thanks for having your lovely Halloween special so I could visit my Auntie Shawnapants in January. I can't wait to see her FACE! And the pretty Oklahoma winter. :)
Lurrvve, Me

Dear Monte Cristo,
:)
Lover, Me

Dear Sam,
I am not your mom. But that was funny when you called me mom in Walmart that one time. But really. I am not your mom. hahahaha
Love, Me

Mmmm :)

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."

- Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

I want to write like this. Maybe, probably not exactly like this. Writing like this makes my soul tingle. I want to make someone's soul tingle.

It'll probably be easier to tingle someone when I'm not accumulating sleep debt. I learned about that in my psychology class. Apparently sleep debt is super bad for you. And seeing as I'm all sickly and such... I should probably try to get out of debt. And then I'll be a tingly writer. Or that's the theory.

Good night. :)

HALLOWEEN!

...is not actually here yet. But it might as well be. Holy Hannah. So the Fishers get WAAYYYY into Halloween. LikeWOAH. And it's fabulous. And I will document that more later. When it's actually Halloween probably and their HAUNTED HOUSE is finished. :)

But for now. We'll talk about my costume.

I was a unicorn.




A Uni-Corn.




Get it? bahahaha

Ethan helped me. :) He's the smartest, best little 11 year old ever to live.


(Yes, I look impossibly chunky and 12ish in this picture. Don't hate.)


And then I went to my ward's Halloween Carnival. And won some candy. And I WON A CUPCAKE IN THE CAKE WALK MY FIRST ROUND. Which is amazing because JUST TODAY my facebook status said, "I... want a cupcake."

And then I won the cutest cupcake ever ever.




And then there was a costume contest for the girls. And I won 3rd place. That's right, baby. 3rd. I think I should have won ALL the way.. stupid ElastiGirl from the Incredibles. PSH.

And then I wanted to go home because I was tired and had a headache and was feeling all sickly.. because I'm sick. And I was walking out when I got stopped by this group of guys.. most of whom I knew. But one of the ones I DIDN'T know took a bite out of my corn. I feel like I got Uni-Corn raped.

And I told him that.

And they all laughed.

Which made me feel funny.

Overall a very good night. :)



P.S. I just stole this photograph from facebook. This was onstage for the costume contest.




I am a very... INTENSE unicorn. yeah, that's the right word...

All You Need is Love...

I just wanna cry every time I see this video. I love how they meet when they're older. I love how they're not attractive. I love how he writes her a love letter every day. I love how plainly romantic the whole thing was.

I think every girl wants to be loved like that. I think every girl deserves to be loved like that. I think there's nothing in the world that compares to being in love. Sometimes I think I'm in love and then I look back and I'm not so sure! I probably was a little in love all those times. Or I at least loved those people, but maybe wasn't IN love.

I read books that describe love beautifully. I want to do that. Like Zora Neale Hurston in Their Eyes Were Watching God:

"He [Tea Cake] drifted off into sleep and Janie looked down him and felt a self-crushing love. So her soul crawled out from its hiding place."

and:

"Tell ‘em dat love ain’t somethin’ lak uh grindstone dat’s de same thing everywhere and do de same thing tuh everything it touch. Love is lak de sea. It’s uh movin’ thing, but still and all, it takes its shape from de shore it meets, and it’s different with every shore."

... maybe that last quote is why in hindsight it always feels like I wasn't REALLY in love... because it feels so different with each person. "It's different with every shore."

Well, I just managed to shove off the last shore... and I already can't wait to find the next beach! Be it rocky or sandy or grassy or woody or nothing but high cliffs waiting to be scaled, I can take it. And I look forward to it. :)


(Yes, that was dramatic and cheesy, so what? I might be a romantic. Get over it.)

Mailbag!

Dear Hair,
I would absolutely love it if you would grow faster. I look at pictures of girls with long, luscious hair and I want that. I want you to be alll the way down my back. That would be awesome. So yeah, if you could work on that, I'd be very grateful. And I will promise not to cut you too much anymore.
LURVE, Me

Dear Stinky Cough/Cold,
I hate your stinkin guts. You make me vomit. You are the scuuuum between my toes.
Love, Me

Dear Fall,
I adore you. Your fantastical breezes make my soul happy.
Love, Me

Dear Bike Rides,
Hello, let's be friends. :)
Love, Me

Dear Monte Cristo,
You give me happy tingles.
Love, Me

I don't want to.

But I should blog. So I will. I'm so freaking tired. And sick.

I had a weird experience today.

I was at the institute building talking with my friend Makenzie. I had to use the restroom and when I got back Makenzie was bawling.
She said she'd just got a call telling her her favorite cousin, who was mother to two kids, had been addicted to prescription drugs and had overdosed that day.

She was dead.

What?

In shock. Crying. Horrible. Uncomfortable. So so so so sorry!

All I could do was tell her I was sorry. And rub her back and touch her arm. Just squeeze. I offered her a ride to anywhere, she didn't need to be here, with people looking at her crying.

She opted to just clean herself up in the bathroom.

So I prayed for guidance about what to say or do to help her. And she needed a hug.

I went to the bathroom where she'd locked herself in a stall and asked her if I could give her a hug.

And I held her as tight as I could. I heard somewhere that pressure, like a hug, just squeezing, is a natural way to calm someone down. It makes you feel safe, and close. Or something.

So I held her tight. And almost hoped I'd get some mascara on my white shirt for some reason. She was just so sad. And she sobbed on me.

And then she was finished, for right then. And I helped her clean the make up off her face and gave her another hug, but not a squeezing hug. That would start the tears again, at least it would for me.

And then she wanted to take a nap and I had class.

And that was it.

But that's the closest to death I've ever been.

I've seen a dead body. A couple dead bodies. I've seen people in my family be sad over dead people, but I've never seen it like that. Never so fresh. I was little so they would tell me later, after the shock.

It made me think of how I'd feel to lose a cousin. But I couldn't finish the thought because I hate crying.

And now I have to think about my first real life experience with death. Real LIFE because I saw what it did to the living.

I'll just have to go from there.

I sorta need a hug...

Don't mock!

.. you're just jealous of my mad poetry skills. BAHA!. No really.

I'm kidding.

I actually fail mostly. BUT I like it so WHAT?

I wrote this when my family was up at the cabin for that week. It was funsies. And when I'm in very pretty places like the forest I always feel more poetical.

So here you go.

Dear Mother,
You have changed me.
Once when I wanted to rebel,
The tears in your eyes did tell
Of the sadness that you know I'd feel
If I never found the gospel real.

And so you changed me:
My mind, my heart, my path.
You helped me grow into the me I am today.
It was you who made me stop and say,
"I need your help, I do not know the way."

Dear Friend,
You have changed me.
Once when I thought I knew it all
You could see me start to fall,
So you helped me to a higher ground
And shared the better path that you'd found.

And so you changed me:
My heart, my path, my life.
You helped me grow into the me I am today.
It was you who made me stop and say,
"I need your help, I do not know the way."

Dear Savior,
You have changed me.
You knew I'd never make it home
If I wandered all alone.
So you came and lived a selfless life
Just so you could die, a sacrifice.

And so you changed me:
My path, my life, my ending.
You helped me see the me that I can be someday.
It was you that made me stop and say,
"I need your help, I know now, you're the way."

Moral of the story...

... sometimes life is hard. Suck it up.

... sometimes letting things be is the worst possible avenue to take.

... sometimes our hearts surprise us. Go with it.

... sometimes nothing makes sense but everything feels right.

... sometimes logic can't work you through something and you just have to go with your gut.

... sometimes all your plans go out the window and everything turns out better than you expected.

... sometimes when it feels like your heart is breaking... it's really just stretching into something that can fit perfectly with someone else's.

Oh kids...

This morning Sam ran up to me to hug me yelling, "YOU'RE SO SKINNY!!" Oh Sam, you made my day.

I was making mac n cheese and Sarah walks down to get some saying, "I'm not scared. Are YOU scared. Oh. You're SCARED!" All creepy like in a gravely demon voice. Weirdie.

Sam and his little friend talking:
Friend: I don't flush. I always just wait to for my mom to flush.
Sam: Yeah that's good. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
Friend: Yeah, I just wait for my mom.

I was trying to tickle Jake again this morning. He has a friend over, too, who's witnessing this.
Jake: Stop tickling me! I don't like to be touched. Geez.
Me: Jake, you don't like to be touched?? Someday... you'll want to be touched. WHEN YOU ARE A MAN!
Ahahahahaha

That's all I got for now.

Soo...

I'm feeling a little confused. My brain is just exploding that's all. It's funny how things work out, right? And by funny I mean it makes me want to cry. I'm not sure what to make of all this... but I hate it. I feel weird and uncomfortable but still perfectly natural and at home with you. You've been home for so long. My everything. My go to. But I don't know if things can be the same. And I just want to take you in my arms and make everything perfect again. But it was never perfect. How could it be? We're not right for each other and there's no way around it. You got your answer. You GOT your answer. A long time ago. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Sometimes things are supposed to happen in a horribly awful, wonderful, crazy, unbelievable way so you can just look back at the mess and know not to let that happen next time. We weren't complete. How could we be? Just friends can't ever be enough. People need love. And not just an "I love you" but an "I'm IN love with you." I want to love you but I'm in the process with someone else already. Bad timing is an understatement. I just want you to be happy. I want to be the perfect one for you and you be the perfect one for me, but I can't and you can't. I don't care what anyone says. It can't be. And it won't be.

Now where do we go from here.

I'm a creeper.

So... I wasn't really ready to go to bed yet...

So I stalked Dreamy Dave a little. I googled him... hahahaha
And he has pictures on myspace... but he's not a weird myspacer because he hasn't been on since July. I know.

And he also has videos of him doing jujitsu on youtube. Which would be hot if it didn't look like 2 men getting dirty together. HA! Seriously, it's even worse than regular wrestling. But one of the videos it gets so intense his shirt sorta.. comes off. I didn't mind that part. hahahaha I'm so ashamed of myself. But so not at the same time.

I had a really hard time finding a good picture of him. Some people just aren't super photogenic, I guess. hahaha but here's the one that I liked the most. He's so fine.

Seriously it doesn't do him justice.



I love him.

Passionately.

I'm gonna have to get over it though, I guess.

But I love him.

My life is so awesome....

... as I was signing into blogger I started typing mylifeisawesome. I didn't finish it alllll the way.

But it was basically almost all the way out.

That's how awesome my life is. :)

I slept in til 9 today.

And studied for my math midterm.

Then went laptop shopping with Monte Cristo. And he helped me pick out a fabulous one that I will actually purchase on Friday. He's super geeky. It's great.

Then I went to take my math midterm and I feel like I sort of rocked it. No big deal.

Then I played my first real game of ping pong and lost 21-5. HA!

Then I ate at this DELISH place Andrew's Barbecue by MCC with some friends. Love.

Then I failed at finding the mortuary I was supposed to meet at for class in freaking Phoenix. I hate that place.

SO Monte Cristo and I went on a date instead. :)

And it was splendid.

And I like him.

The end.

Things I need to blog about: Seven

TOPIC SEVEN!!!

Yes, it's true. My life freaking rocks. You know why it rocks so much? I know exactly who I am and why I'm here and where I'm going.

I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father. I am a daughter of GOD. I am one of his little princesses and He loves me so so much. And I can feel His love. Always. That's the best. And I know He wants me to succeed in all the righteous endeavors I undertake. I know He helps me be the best me I can be. I know He has faith in me. And I have faith in Him. And His Son, Jesus Christ. I know Jesus died for my sins. I can see His Atonement working in my life right now. If we CONFESS and FORSAKE our sins... The Lord will remember them no more. How amazing is that? I'll tell you. It's incredible. I know I'm here to have a family and be tried and tested and grow and stumble and become better! I know I'll mess up. A lot. But Christ will be there to pick me right up if I let Him. I know if I live the way my Heavenly Father would have me live I get to spend eternity in His presence along with my wonderful family!

I have been blessed with so so many wonderful things lately. And I am so grateful.

With that knowledge and my blessings from my Heavenly Father how could my life NOT be awesome?

:)

Things I need to blog about: Five...and Six

TOPIC FIVE!

I'm getting a new laptop!! And I am able to do this because my dad was poor last year and the government decided to give me lots of money for school. And mine died. Stupid. But yaay for new things! :)

However, I don't know anything about computers. So I need some advice on what type to get. Any suggestions??

TOPIC SIX!

I saw this person at Walgreens the other day. It had a full on 5 o clock shadow... but also sounded like a girl... and had boobs... but was also rockin some kind of mullet? SO it was either a woman with some serious facial hair (bless her heart) OR a man with a very womanly voice and some rather prominent breasticles. Either way that person should not have a mullet. Ever. ....ever.

AND I'm quitting! I put in my 2 weeks notice. No, I do not have a job lined up.. per se... haha but I will get another job. It'll work out. I was just on the verge of getting fired... and I'd rather quit than get fired. It looks better, yeah?

YAAY!

I'll miss the weirdos, though. Not gonna lie. And Dreamy Dave! OH OH!! He said he'd miss seeing me when I told him I was quitting. I about fainted. And he looked SO good today. Man.

Things I need to blog about: Four

I am staying all by my lonesome in this big old house. And I'm basically loving it.
I'm making my own food. And blasting music. And playing piano and singing! It's nice to have a quiet house all to yourself just so you can make noise! And I'm going hot tubbing later. :)

And I got to take care of this adorable puppy for a day. :)




And make and eat this concoction. Weird, I know. BUT I LIKED IT!




Anyway, I'm basically loving being home all by myself. The end.

Things I need to blog about: Three

TOPIC THREE!!

More Monte Cristo. Yes please.

Let me tell you about this new lover I have.

He is funny and makes me laugh mucho.
He is crafty which is something I am not. And not evil villain crafty... like arts and craftsy. Except in boy form. He MADE his scriptures and scripture case. Out of leather. Sheep leather. From Australia. Holy Hannah.
I called him hot and he didn't like it. He prefers handsome or dashing. Mmm. :)
He sings. Even though he doesn't think he's very good.
He basically rocks at Just Dance which is a game that I adore.
He just got home from his mission in April. So he's all spiritual and awesome.
He is so attractive.
He makes me feel pretty.
He has good taste in music.
Kissing him basically rocks my world.
He's all sporty. Maybe it'll rub off on me. HA! (That was funny)
He doesn't do everything I tell him to do. Which is a nice change from my usual boys. hahaha He's not a push over. It's the right amount of give and take.
He's really nice to everyone. And he likes making people happy.
But he can be goofy and joke around. And mock. Oh goodness.
Also he's smart. And all intelligent.

That's all I've got so far.
Yeah, he's pretty cool.

Things I need to blog about: Two

SECOND TOPIC! My weekend rocked. I went to Thatcher with Jon and Lexi and Kendra. And it rocked. And my family is awesome. I'll let the pictures... and one video... speak for themselves.












































We did other stuff too... but I'm too lazy to talk about it. Sorry dude. IT WAS FUN THOUGH!

Things I need to blog about: One

I made this list at work today... because as always I was super duper bored. No joke. If for some reason I go completely insane and flush my life down the toilet and end up going to hell... it'll be Walgreens. Seriously, my hell will be having to work at that Walgreens for eternity. Even greater incentive to be righteous... besides that whole faith and love for the gospel thing. Okay... this is getting sacrilegious. Let's move on.

My list looked like this:

Things I need to blog about:
1. Kissing ******* (Monte Cristo)
2. Thatcher, Lexi, Kendra, Jon, fam fam, fair and such!
3. more ******* (Monte Cristo) mm!
4. Staying by myself
5. new laptop! suggestions?
6. weird people I see at Walgreens. ALSO I'm quitting.
7. How awesome my life is and how freaking bomb the gospel is

SO I'll be working my way down the list. Thank heavens for list. I'd never do anything without them.

So Monte Cristo and I kissed. I like him. :)

Story time!

He came over to my house. And we sat on the couch and talked and laughed and talked and cuddled a bit. The day before I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to kiss him just yet. I was thinking of trying to wait a whole month. A WHOLE MONTH. Pff. What was I thinking?? BUT he didn't know that I'd already given in. So it's time for him to go.. and he leans in and gives me a hug. ... and pulls out and just stops about 3 inches from my face. And we just stare at each other.. and we're both kinda smiling/laughing a little. HILAR. Then he moves in closer and says, "90/10 baby." Just like in Hitch (I love that movie with a passion). And I just laugh. ... then lean in OH SO CLOSE but BAM! Nothing. BAHAHAHA. I was dying laughing. Then I did it again. ... and again. And then I couldn't take it anymore. He's too pretty. :) We kissed. And it was absolutely fabulous. I'm so glad. I was worried he'd be bad and then I would have a hard time liking him. hahahaha. BUT he's fanfreakingtastic. I could seriously talk about this forever... haha BUT I won't do that to you. You're welcome.

Mrs. Reynolds Was Basically Satan...

But she did actually teach me something. Mrs. Reynolds was my horribly feminist, sex obsessed, liberal English teacher my senior year. Even as I type mRs. Reynolds I laugh because she hated the R in mrs. because it symbolized how a married woman became part of Mr. because then she was Mrs. instead of just Ms. or something like that rubbish.

Anyway, she was obsessed with symbols in literature. Now, I admit there are a lot of symbols in literatue... but she'd always have to take it to the next level. I am SURE that the authors had no idea this insane woman would be dissecting their work and somehow making a leaf falling and getting crunched by someone's foot turn into a girl finding herself then getting raped. I mean, really. Mrs. Reynolds would find this crap.

But she was right about rain as a symbol. (Probably because she found this symbol in a book by another English teacher. Silly woman.) She said rain was a symbol of baptism and rebirth. And with all this rain we're getting recently, I'm really feeling it.

I had a meeting with my bishop tonight about some things that have been weighing on me pretty heavily lately. And the rain today really felt like it was giving me a fresh start.

Moral of the story? I love the rain. I love my bishop. And I love my Savior.

:)

I have the best best friend ever.

Because we do things like this together. We're so awesome. Enjoy!