This is turning a little bitter. I'm not a bitter person, I'm really not. Okay maybe I am sometimes. Like when I see these kind of weird couples getting together and I just think, why can't I find someone who matches me, but they can? Or when I'm interested in a guy and he ends up getting with some girl who's not as smart, pretty, or funny as me... I just honest to goodness don't get it. Guys that I'm NOT interested at all are interested in me.. but the one's that I'm interested in so rarely feel the same way. Sometimes I feel like settling... but I just can't. I feel like a lot of people do that. They just don't know anyone better... so they go for it, but I don't want to do that!
For heavens sake, I'm only 18 years old. Why am I in such a rush, huh? Probably because I've never actually been in love or had anyone in love with me. Isn't that what everyone wants? I've never even had a real relationship. Is that weird? That I'm 18 and never had anyone last more than a month? Or is it weird that I'll be interested in someone but as soon as they reciprocate the feeling I freak out and can't stand to be around them anymore? I know there's someone for me... I've just never met anyone who came close, or maybe I have but I just change so much all the time that by the time I meet someone who would have been perfect a year ago, he's not anymore because I'm not the same. And I change my ideas and philosophies on relationships and dating all the time but that doesn't make any sense because I really don't have a ton of experience in those areas. My best friend thinks I am this crazy attracter of men person. But it's not really true I don't think. I was watching TV with a bunch of friends and one of the characters was a total ditz that all the guys "loved" but she was just a big flirt. One of my guy friends told me I was just like her. Then later one of the character's girl friends told her that none of the boys actually liked her at all, they didn't care about her, she was just a tease. Is that really me? I'm kind of afraid it is. I always have guys interested... but never any that follow through. I think that's why I can't really settle for a guy. I want him to work for it. I want him to like me enough and care enough to chase me a little. I don't want to be easy for heavens sake. And I deserve someone who really WANTS me.
Okay. Well that was a fun little rant and just a little peek into the jumbled, crazy mess that is my brain.
Don't you wish people spoke the way the thought in their head. I always sound so much better in my head, or when I'm writing. But if I try to say anything out loud... I just draw a blank. I can have an entire speech recited perfectly in my head.. and I say it out loud and I get maybe maybe a mutter about the vague idea of the perfect words in my head. I like writing though. I can express things that I could never say out loud. Don't get me wrong, I have no problems talking with people. I am a very outgoing shy person. I love people and getting to know them and about them and why they are the way they are. It's just so much harder for me to talk about myself without someone carefully guiding me in what to talk about. I hate when people say, "So tell me about yourself." I like reading, my favorite color is purple, I have 15 people in my family now, I moved out of my parents house then moved back in, I can't decide if I'm a cynic or a hopeless romantic, I actually change a lot when I'm around different people but I wish I didn't, I love space and contemplating it's vastness, Jesus Christ means more to me than anyone or anything anywhere, I own approximately 30 pairs of shoes, I keep telling myself I quit BYU Idaho because I couldn't take the cold but I'm secretly afraid it might be because I am an incurable wuss and can't commit to anything, sometimes I feel fat and ugly (I'm a girl, it happens), I love singing and music but I'm not disciplined enough to pursue it, I'm scared out of my mind to try things and fail so I miss out on a lot of stuff. And I could go on... but 1. I could probably never say those things out loud to some random person that asked me and 2. The person asking probably didn't want to know any of that stuff, all they really wanted to know was what's my major and where do I work, you know, the basics, not stuff that actually matters and is ME. But since I don't have an acceptable answer to the questions they really wanted the answers to... I say something uninteresting and life goes on.
I think what I really need is someone who will completely sweep me off my feet and turn my world upside down and make me think in completely different ways and make me do things I'm not used to doing and just wake me up to something better than what I have now. I need a change. A change from my ordinary.
I suppose I can start that change on my own. Perhaps I can't have the type of man I want right now because I'm not the type of woman he wants yet. Yet. Meaning I can be. Meaning I have so much room to grow and improve and excel and achieve. And love. I should love more in general. Everyone deserves to be genuinely loved and cared about. Plus... karma baby.
Anyway, that was rather theraputic. To be honest I was having a pretty awful night. But there is hope, it's true. And I'm really not all that dramatic, honestly! Except in my own head and heart. But that's life. And I've got to live it. And it might as well be with a smile on my face and a little hope for better things. :)
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