I like midnight movies. I like movies that keep me guessing and that make me think about life. I like driving. I like road trips. I like being up late by myself. I like snow falling. I like hot chocolate. I like the rain and sitting inside reading Jane Eyre listening to thunder (
not that I've had a chance to do that yet this year because it HASN'T RAINED YET! Stupid sky.) I like the idea of being in love. I like writing. I like making music. I like trying to make up harmonies to songs on the radio and actually sounding GOOD. I like helping people understand things. I like reading about the human mind.. and human nature... and the good and bad in people. I like making good choices. I like feeling happy and accomplished. I like seeing my little cousins grow up and develop personalities. I like seeing my best friend in love and as happy as I've ever seen her. I like that my hair is getting longer. I like that my contacts are only supposed to last 3 or 4 months.. but I've been wearing the same ones for 9... HA! I like my Shawna. And I want to visit her because I miss her like crazy... and I want her by me telling me everything's going to be fantastic in my life and I won't always be lonely and disappointed.... Don't get me wrong, I love life. I love feeling and being and experiencing. But I'm still lonely... and I'm still disappointed. My life is fantastic. It's just funny... and rather ironic... that what I've always wanted... my best friend has. She has someone to LOVE her. I really don't know if anyone has ever been in love with me. She always said I had plenty of boys... and I did. I always had a boy to be with, to get to know. But I never had boys love me. Not like boys love her. She never really had boys. Just a couple. But those couple fell in love with her.. and I mean REALLY in love with her. ... am I just not a lovable person? I don't understand. Something that I want so badly just can't seem to happen for me. Something I've been YEARNING for ever since I can remember... is something she didn't even want. Something she didn't want to happen, in fact. And yet, she has it now. And I know this is sounding like I'm insanely jealous of her... but I'm not. I get giddy just thinking about how GIDDY she is. She is so happy and I LOVE that. I'm not jealous of what she has.. I'm jealous of what I don't.
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. Whenever I meet someone new I give it my all. I let it all loose and try to show them my everything. I just want them to know ME. All of me. All of my weird, stupid, selfish, so so caring, nerdy, loving, strong, independent, dependent, lost, hopeful, musical, fearful, spiritual, exciting, obnoxious ME. And no one's ever been in love with all of me before. In fact, I've had a boy tell me he really liked the IDEA of me... but then got to know me better.. and didn't like me anymore. OUCH. How am I supposed to take that standing up and confident?
You tell me.
I need to go to sleep. It's too late to be thinking about these things.
The end.
3 comments:
I've felt the same way for a long time, but the thing I just recently realized (wilts reading my patriarchal blessing), the Lord has someone, maybe even the possibility of multiple people, waiting for me. And, I know that when the day comes that I'm not lonely or tired of being disappointed by things that never amount to anything because I've found someone that's amounted to everything, I will think that all that heart ache is worth it and that everything that lead to being happy like your bestest friend is happy, will be shadowed by the fact that I don't have to worry anymore because he LOVES me! Maybe this doesn't make sense... I'm kind of rambling. But you know what I'm saying? In due time, it will have been worth it, the Lord is just preparing you for a better understanding of what you have because you know what its like NOT to have it.
Chin up :) So many people love you Annie.
Did I inspire this "I like" post? I posted an "I like/don't like" post about 2 hours before you! Hahaha p.s. I love how I'm a devoted lover!!!
Oh, my darling, you must come see me! I LIVE YOU SI MUCH!
Post a Comment