This is not a feel-good post.

...it's not a feel-bad, -sad, or -mad post either though. It's just me.

This is Me. Duh that's the name of my blog.

And I started this blog for me. Not for any of you. Don't worry, I love all my readers dearly and I bless you for taking the time to read my nonsensical ramblings about my rather ordinary life. But. Sometimes a girl has got to write. And since I am so vain, I like people to read my writings. I could just write this elsewhere, but lets be honest, I'll post it. And I'll be excited to hear what people think about it.

And I honestly don't know where exactly this post is going to go.. but I'm excited to see. I don't just write to write very often anymore and I miss the crap out of it.

SO now that you see how ridiculous this post is gonna be, you can opt out reading now. Or keep going.. and stop later when you're tired of it. Or go all the way to the end. It's late and I don't even know if I want to go all the way to the end. HA! Oh my life.

Okay.
Here we go.


I remember when I was little and I trusted everyone. It was easy. No one can let you down when you're little because you don't know that you should expect things of people.

And then all of a sudden one day you do expect things. You want more than a PB&J and a glass of apple juice. You want more than 10 more minutes on the playground. You want more than your crush to just like you back.

Why? Why is that suddenly not enough to be happy? Stupid brain development. Geez.
Why does your best friend change from the person who shares toys with you to the person you can talk to about anything? And not just boy stuff, but that your parents are fighting AGAIN or she really really misses her mom in Washington and it's hard growing up with only a dad. When does that happen?

And why is your automatic defense system when your best friend changes and ditches you to start building up a wall of mistrust?

And why doesn't that mistrust just stop with future best friendships? It continues into the potential boyfriends and husbands and just general acquaintances too.

And then you realize it.. so you get over it! ..or you think you do. Or maybe you did!

BUT then a guy comes along that you adore. And he adores you too! Fantastic!

Until you realize he doesn't adore you. He just wanted to because you were conveniently there and you adored him first. It's lovely to be adored, isn't it?

You can't be smart about it, though, can you? You can't have ACTUALLY learned your lesson from times past because that would be progressive. You have to try and be BEST FRIENDS FOREVER with this same guy that sort of broke your heart a little. Because you tried to trust again. Because guys can be douche bags.

BUT then that guy has to adore you again at least once after you've finally gotten over that ache. The ache disappeared completely, it actually just feels really happy now. That is until he adored you again. Then everything went back just the way it was! How can you trust any boys when they're all so dang FICKLE??

How can you trust anyone when they surely will change their mind and decide you're not worthy after all? Or your not "right" or good or whatever there is enough. After all, that's how it's always been. Obviously or you wouldn't be alone. Right?

Or is that just me?

I may have just been talking about myself this whole time, let's be honest.

Okay I was just talking about myself. For heavens sake.

So here I am.

Confused. Battered. Upside down(which is not how it's supposed to feel ever).

What do I do now?

...

.....

Whaa?

Who's THAT guy?

Enter Monte Cristo.

Holy Hannah. I've never met a man of this variety before.
I just like to look at him.
But then he's TOO attractive. There's no way he ACTUALLY likes me. He just got done with this super dumbface girl. He'll rebound and then whatev. Get over it, move on. Duh. That always happens.

Wait. What? He still likes me? There has to be a catch.
There's not.
No, there HAS to be.
No really.
No really YOU! There has to be. There really does. We can't JUST like each other for reals. Either I have to freak out or you have to change your mind. That's all there is to it!
No really.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Wait, SERIOUSLY??
Yeah, seriously. Just like that.
We can just like each other? Just genuinely like being with each other? We don't have to have drama? NONE? We can just talk about everything and be ridiculously attracted to each other and love every second just because?
Yup!
Oh wow this is nice. I like it. :)
Oh hey me too. :)
Fabulous.
Yes.
Mmm.
My thoughts exactly.
:)
...
:)
Mmm.
:)

Basically that's how it went.

Except it's still scary as ALL HELL to really let yourself just like someone. To really like someone. Not just casually like. But really.
You know.

So I started out all upside down and crazy when I met Monte Cristo. And things are still a little weird sometimes. and when I say things.. I mean I AM WEIRD SOMETIMES. I'm more a little crooked, sideways now. Better than all the way upside down with the blood rushing in my head and such, right?

Right.
Hey thanks, Monte Cristo.

And you want to know a secret?

I've never felt so *SAFE* before.
And I sort of love it.